This satirical doggerel was originally posted in a discussion on Goodreads. I received a request to post it where it was easier to link to it, so here it is:
The Author’s Patter Song
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
I am the very model of a modern indie authoress.
My editor is excellent, my formatting is not a mess.
I’ve hired top professionals for proofreading and cover art ,
And hope that that I will join the ranks of authors who discovered are.
I don’t engage with trolls or drive-by one-stars on the internet.
I’ve never said so far a thing on Goodreads that I might regret.
Real readers wrote my good reviews not sock puppets or family.
I hope this will promote me since I must not do it spammily.
I can’t afford for Foreword or for Kirkus to approve me
And if I were to push hard would-be readers would remove me
From their to-read lists, and so I keep my self-promotion minimal.
With marketing so subtle that it borders on subliminal.
I’ll hang on with obduracy and get discovered anyway.
To languish in obscurity would be a terrible cliché.
I’m at the very bottom of the Amazon best seller list
Where almost every other model modern indie author is.